Addictions

This morning, I found myself in the middle of a text message conversation at work to realize that I may very well be an addict. My poison, however, is not alcohol, it's not any type of drug, its not exercise, and its not eating. I think I am addicted to a person, my ex to be exact. I fell, however, that this addiction is just as dangerous as an addiction to drug or alcohol.

My relationship with BF (as we will refer to him as from here on out) was anything but perfect. Don't get me wrong, we had perfect times here and there, but we also had our shares of lows. We both had our share of issues, I'm mean when I fight, I'm stubborn as hell, I'm picky, kindness is a second resort most of the time in my book and I'm way too competitive. These are all aspects of my personality that I recognize as flaws and am trying to work on, so please don't take what I'm about to say wrong. I know I have my flaws. I know our relationship had its flaws. And I was willing to work through those things... I think BF was willing also. But he had his own issues too. BF is insecure, to the point of craziness. It wasn't just my guy friends that he would get crazy jealous of. That I might be able to understand. BUT, it was also my girlfriends too. And my family. And my job. And cheerleading when we were in college. His insecurities would make him act crazy. He would text people from my phone, delete contacts from my phone, talk down about my friends and family, discourage me, put me down, and even stop me from leaving (including two times when he actually took my keys out of the ignition). In fact, the second time he took my keys, he ran away with them. I decided right then and there, that even if leaving him meant I ended up alone in life, it would be a healthier life for me to live. It was then that I realized, I could never trust him with my kids. It was then that I realized I could not continue this way for the rest of my life. For the first time since the moment I first laid eyes on BF, I looked into my future, but I didn't see him next to me. The emotion that followed was new and strange. I was devastated, but I was also a bit relieved. Relieved that maybe I wouldn't have to walk on egg shells around my significant other ever again. Relieved that I could just be myself. And that would be enough (at least most of the time!!). And that was it. Our relationship was dead.

As the weeks went on, we tried to stay in touch and be friends. I found, however, that when I wasn't talking to him, my life was picking up, strolling in the right direction. But then BAMM! just like that, he would stroll back into my life via text message or facebook, and I would start obsessing again. Truly obsessing. Checking my phone, email and facebook every two minutes, studying his facebook profile, trying to hack into his facebook and email account so that I might find something. I don't what I'm looking for... an email that confesses his love for me so taht we can live happily ever after, or maybe a message confessing his undying love for some other girl, forcing me to get over him immediately. Eventually, after all of this obsessing, I decide that I need to see him. We meet up, start conversing, and just like that, I remember why we broke up. I remember the things about him that I couldn't live with, the things I couldn't ask him to change. And I feel good about myself. I feel reassured. And I'm able to go a few days without thinking much about him. But as soon as I hear from him again... I begin to feel like crap. But I JUST CAN'T STOP. I know its sick. But I can't help it.

And that is where I found myself today, texting him, checking my phone every two minutes, counting the minutes in between our texts, wondering why he's not answering quicker. And when he agrees to meet up soon, my heart flutters. I'm excited to see him either Sunday or Monday. As if its a big to do. But I know, I know know know I'm going to come down from this high, more disappointed and lonely than before. But how do you get help for being addicted to a person?